What is REAL love

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     We have been led to believe that if we are really in love, it will last forever. I’m sure most of us have been in love… and maybe some of us are not with that person anymore. Does it mean it wasn’t real? Of course it was real! The problem is the faulty information: The idea that being in love will be eternal.

     Now, I’m not saying that love isn’t real. What I’m trying to explain is that “being in love” and REAL love are not the same thing.

     Sometimes we find ourselves smiling for no reason and thinking about a certain someone all the time. When we are with them, time goes by too fast and time seems eternal when we are apart. We seem to just “click” because it seems like we’ve known each other forever, and the more time we spend together, the more we need them to be by our side… and we think: "Could this warm, tingly feeling inside be the real thing? Geez well, I don’t feel butterflies, they are more like crazy rabid vats! This must be the REAL thing!"

     “At its peak, the ‘in love’ experience is euphoric. We are emotionally obsessed with each other. We go to sleep thinking of one another. When we rise that person is the first thought on our minds. We long to be together. We could kiss forever if we didn’t have to go to school or work. The person who is ‘in love’ has the illusion that his beloved is perfect.

     We have been led to believe that if we are really in love, it will last forever. We will always have the wonderful feelings that we have at this moment. Nothing will ever overcome the love we have for each other. Our love is the most wonderful thing we have ever experienced.

     Unfortunately, eternality of the ‘in love’ experience IS FICTION, NOT A FACT. Eventually, we will descend from the clouds and plant our feet on earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other person. We recognize that some of his personality traits are actually irritating. Her behavior patterns are annoying. He has the capacity for hurt and anger… and we ask ourselves: How could I have been so foolish?

     What happened to the ‘in love’ experience? Did we really have the real thing? I think so. The problem was faulty information. The bad information was the idea that the ‘in love’ obsession would last forever. In reality, the ‘falling in love’ experience usually lasts only 2 years.

Some researchers have concluded that the ‘in love’ experience should not be called ‘love’ at all. Dr. Peck concludes that the falling in love experience is NOT REAL for three reasons. First, falling in love is not an act of the will or a conscious choice. Second, falling in love is not real because it is effortless. Third, it does not focus on our growth or the growth and development of the other person.

     But, if falling in love is not real love, then WHAT IS IT? That kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is the love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love, but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.

     That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction.

     It does not require the euphoria of the ‘in love’ experience. In fact, true love cannot begin until the ‘in love’ experience has run its course.”

Taken from the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman.