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We have been led to believe that if we are really in love,
it will last forever. I’m sure most of us have been in love… and maybe some of us are not with
that person anymore. Does it mean it wasn’t real? Of course it was real! The
problem is the faulty information: The idea that being in love will be eternal.
Now, I’m not saying that love isn’t real. What I’m trying to
explain is that “being in love” and REAL love are not the same thing.
Sometimes we find ourselves smiling for no reason and
thinking about a certain someone all the time. When we are with them, time goes
by too fast and time seems eternal when we are apart. We seem to just “click”
because it seems like we’ve known each other forever, and the more time we
spend together, the more we need them to be by our side… and we think: "Could this warm, tingly feeling inside be
the real thing? Geez well, I don’t feel butterflies, they are more like crazy
rabid vats! This must be the REAL thing!"
“At its peak, the ‘in love’ experience is euphoric. We are
emotionally obsessed with each other. We go to sleep thinking of one another.
When we rise that person is the first thought on our minds. We long to be
together. We could kiss forever if we didn’t have to go to school or work. The
person who is ‘in love’ has the illusion that his beloved is perfect.
We have been led to believe that if we are really in love,
it will last forever. We will always have the wonderful feelings that we have
at this moment. Nothing will ever overcome the love we have for each other. Our
love is the most wonderful thing we have ever experienced.
Unfortunately, eternality of the ‘in love’ experience IS
FICTION, NOT A FACT. Eventually, we will descend from the clouds and plant our
feet on earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other
person. We recognize that some of his personality traits are actually
irritating. Her behavior patterns are annoying. He has the capacity for hurt
and anger… and we ask ourselves: How
could I have been so foolish?
What happened to the ‘in love’ experience? Did we really
have the real thing? I think so. The problem was faulty information. The bad
information was the idea that the ‘in love’ obsession would last forever. In
reality, the ‘falling in love’ experience usually lasts only 2 years.
Some researchers have concluded that the ‘in love’
experience should not be called ‘love’ at all. Dr. Peck concludes that the
falling in love experience is NOT REAL for three reasons. First, falling in
love is not an act of the will or a conscious choice. Second, falling in love
is not real because it is effortless. Third, it does not focus on our growth or
the growth and development of the other person.
But, if falling in love is not real love, then WHAT IS IT?
That kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is the love
that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires
discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. Our most basic
emotional need is not to fall in love, but to be genuinely loved by another, to
know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be
loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.
That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is the
choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that
if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of
satisfaction.
It does not require the euphoria of the ‘in love’
experience. In fact, true love cannot begin until the ‘in love’ experience has
run its course.”
Taken from the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary
Chapman.
This was very interesting and well written, I like what you said about having a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. Helps me understand past situations in a new perspective. Thank you for the read, keep at it!
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